Before Lady GaGa did Jonathan Ross, did she leave her mind behind ? Post-its are useless without the reminder written on them, GaGa !

I’m as big a GaGa fan as they come – but after watching her give the most awkward interview since Meg Ryan, I must reconsider. What hell was wrong with her ? Was it nerves ? Was it an act ? Or maybe just her time of the month ? Whatever it was, it was awkward. No, it was excruciating. (performance included.. but I’ll save that for later)

Defensive, disinterested, stonyfaced and monosyllabic. I couldn’t decide which word best described her during the course of the show, they’re all very fitting. And wtf was with the lavendar teacup ? Ginger tea ? Sure. The reluctance to say her real name, the denial of getting inspiration from other people (LIAR!) – it all added up to a truly awful and complete waste of an interview. The only good bit was when she admitted to having a donkey d*ck. TOLD YA! Anyway, I would’ve preferred to have seen more from Martin Clunes or the surprisingly lovely Hugh Jackman.

I feel bad for Jonathan – hardcore GaGa-ites will say that the interview was bad because the interviewer was bad – but what was he supposed to do ? GaGa was giving him the shortest, bluntest and most dead end answers I’ve ever seen from her. There’s not much you can do with an uncooperative guest. In the end he started poking fun at her which, as you’d expect, put her in a MUCH better mood.

And the performance ? Good lord. She singlehandedly m u r d e r e d her own song. I mean, props to her for trying to change things up – but the screetching ? Screetching is bad. Screetching is what banshees do. GaGa, you are not a banshee. You’re not an alien either, you know what manners are – so when you’re on The Paul O’Grady Show, you’d better use them !

If you’re brave enough, and I really do commend you if you are, check out Lady GaGa screaming for attention (or possibly an exorcist)

Now we really know how to make The GaGa angry.

I didn’t hear Jamie Foxx get all up in Chris Brown’s grill after the “incident”. In fact, I’ve never heard him speak out against anything before, so why’s he taken to ragging on 16 year old Miley ?

I’m not her biggest fan, but I do have some respect. Imagine for one minute that someone told Jamie’s daughter (who is about the same age as Miley) to do a sex tape (“witchur daddy!”), do heroin and catch chlamydia  – can you imagine how he would react ? He’d draw and quarter the f*cker - and rightly so !

You just don’t do that ESPECIALLY not when you’re in your forties ! You’d think he’d know better ! If someone said that about me I’d punch ‘em in the balls. In fact, if Billy Ray were to hunt Jamie down and kick the crap out of him, I wouldn’t bat an eyelash. He thoroughly deserves it.

It ain’t clever, or witty. It’s cruel and vulgar. So she said she’d “ruin” Radiohead. Who cares ? No one took her seriously. She was being bratty and immature – and isn’t that what teenagers are supposed to do ?! People send out such mixed signals. So first we wanted Miley to act her age after tho whole Vanity Fair saga, now we want her to grow up ? No wonder child stars end up wrong in the head.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to one thing. Jamie Foxx has an album out that isn’t doing so well. Who’s Miley Cyrus? She’s the one earning millions at the box office AND the charts – something you WISH you could do, Foxxie.

PS. Anyone else would get slammed for describing an up-and-coming black singer as “that little black bitch”. Yeah I said it.

But do you wanna know what pisses me off the most about Britain’s Got Talent ? The fact that it sticks around. For AGES. Why can’t be more like the X Factor ? Sob story, Christmas number 1 and boom – they’ve disappeared, only to be seen on those 4Music countdowns or heard on Heat Radio. But BGT has more longevity than that, oh yes:

Step 1: Spend a year soaking up the success and cash in - anyone remember that utterly atrocious song that George Sampson released ? No, of course you don’t. The first line alone was horrific. ”I’ve got a fake ID  like a secret agent to get in and out of here when the rhyddim changes”. Shut the f*ck up and buy some Clearasil.
Step 2: Lie low. People are sick of you.
Step 3: Re-enter the reality TV stratosphere just before the programme you won last year returns. Drum up some publicity. Then before anyone can click their heels and yell “HASBEEN!”, Britain’s Got Talent is back and so are you, for another shot at fame and the Royal Variety performance!
Step 4: Fade into obscurity – OR – go on Celebrity Big Brother.

Sorted.

I caughht a glimpse of Camp Rock this morning on BBC1. Or 2. Shame on you, BBC2. Just watch the first few minutes of it. The film was, to put it mildly… god awful. The girl got out of bed looking immaculate, and that was enough to make me hate her. I mean, the character, not Demi Lovato (the “actress”). I’m sure Demi’s a lovely girl. I say girl like she’s a 4 year old, she’s only about a year younger than me ! Actually, I do hate Demi Lovato. It ain’t right to be younger than me, uglier than me, less talented than me and yet richer. Am I bitter ? F*ck yes. Apparently the little lassie has been networking on social networking site Twitter. She sniffed out John Mayer, reportedly starting the thrilling conversation by simply saying “hi”. He then proceeded to give her advice on being a musician (Really, mate ? You think you’re in a safe place to do that ?) I think this could be the start of something really brutal. Can you imagine their duet ? Between them they would make Simon Cowell’s dream of  killing  pop music a reality.

What the hell’s the deal with Twitter anyway ? I refuse to get it. I am above and beyond the likes of John Mayer. I am better than Ashton Kutcher. I spit on Ryan Seacrest.

Ha. Who am I kidding ? I’m bitter and twisted and jealous of Mayer’s mankini. The only reason I don’t have Twitter is because I don’t have a Twitterberry. I can Twitter from home but it’s just too sad. Sympathy and comments are welcome.

1. Cheryl Cole – pfft!
2. Kate Moss – fair enough
3. Victoria Beckham – far too hit & miss to be no.3
4. Alexa Chung - good taste, plus she started the Luella craze
5. Blake Lively – love her, but her fashion isn’t exactly memorable
6. Katy Perry – mmmkay..
7. Agyness Deyn – granted.
8. Katie Holmes – HAHAHA ! must be a belated April fool.
9. Rihanna – fair enough.
10. Rachel Bilson – yeah. someone remind me why she’s famous ?

Besides, these best dressed awards shouldn’t go to the celebs – they should go to their hard working team of stylists. Cheating celebrity f*ckers.

Anyway, I also heard today that people think Ed Westwick is fat. Er, in which warped world ?! Sure, he’s not ripped and toned, but I’m telling you… he’s all man. To be honest, I’d probably still find him attractive if he were Philip Seymour Hoffman size ! He is undeniably good looking. He even manages to look smooth when he’s dressed like a hobo. That is a gift, people.

Moving on, has anyone ever read those blind items in gossip magazines and nearly given themselves a headache trying to work out who it is ? Anyone ? Anyone at all ?.. Well I don’t care, because I’ve recently discovered the brillance that is the expose website. Forget Perez, forget TMZ, forget Heat. I love AGC. It’s pure brilliance. I spent ages wondering who the reshooting smoker was (heavily suspected Brad Pitt until Lainey nixed him)
Also, Ted Casablanca deserves a shout out. Not that anyone will hear it, no one seems to be reading this blog but me..

By the way, we call them fish fingers in the UK. Is that the difference between Brits and Americans ? Fingers and sticks ? Heh heh..

BEST ENTERTAINMENT PERFORMANCE:
Stephen Fry – Qi
Harry Hill – Harry Hill’s TV Burp
Ant & Dec – I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!
Jonathan Ross – Friday Night with Jonathan Ross

How Harry Hill has managed to gain yet another BAFTA nod is beyond me. I genuinely don’t see the attraction in him. What’s funny about making faces and gurning at the camera ? I’d find that entertaining if I was a three year old. The only person less amusing that him is Al Murray, and don’t get me started on him.. And sorry, Ant & Dec ? how is it those two geordie goons get nominated but the likes of Dara O’Brien and Simon Amstell don’t ? Preposterious.
Also, wonder why Alan Davies wasn’t included in the Qi nom ? He definitely deserves it !
Anyway, I think Wossy should win. Bless his floppy hair. On top of being a very likable and witty host, there are never any awkward moments in his interviews, and he always puts his guests at ease, which makes enjoyable viewing. Plus he deserves an award after that whole Sachs overreaction.

BEST COMEDY PERFORMANCE
Rob Brydon - Gavin & Stacey
Sharon Horgan – Pulling
David Mitchell – Peep Show
Claire Skinner – Outnumbered

I must be the only person in Britain to have not seen Gavin & Stacey. I haven’t seen Outnumbered either. But I have seen Pulling, and my god do I regret it ! It’s an awful programme ! And why oh why hasn’t Robert Webb got a nomination for Peep Show ? I mean, I love David Mitchell, but I LOVE Robert Webb. Robert Webb is genius. Robert Webb is wonderful. Sadly, Robert Webb is married. Funny, him being married is what discourages me, not the fact that he’s famous and far too old for me..

COMEDY PROGRAMME
Harry and Paul
The Peter Serafinowicz Show
Star Stories
That Mitchell and Webb Look

I’m REALLY ticked off at these nominations. The Peter Serafinowicz Show is not funny (although he does a MEAN Terry Wogan impression!),  Harry Enfield and Paul Whatshisname lost their appeal a while ago now, and whoever casts Star Stories should be dragged out into the street and shot. I mean, hello !!! Mock the Week ? 8 out of 10 Cats ? Argumental ? Never Mind The Buzzcocks ? Why are all the good comedy programmes being left out ? Not even Mitchell&Webb can compare to Frankie Boyle’s comedy. Exhibit A:

Frankie Boyle is legend. Word.
Oh, and I bet you anything Horne & Corden will be in this catagory next year. Deservedly ? I think not.

Anyway, on a more serious note, I’m really glad that A Boy Called Alex has been nominated in the Best Single Documentary catagory. If you’ve not seen it, you absolutely must. I’m hoping it wins the award for two reasons: 1) it’ll warrant a second viewing on Channel 4 and 2) it’ll warrant a follow- up documentary! I hear Alex Stobbs has very recently conducted the St. Matthew Passion (which is three hours long!!) with the same choir he worked with on the Magnificat. Wonder if they documented that too ? Either way, this documentary was one of the best I’d ever seen, and Alex is a truly inspirational person.

“Featuring the Pussycat Dolls” ? Don’t make me laugh ! Take a look at the video.

It’s ALL ABOUT Nicole. Those poor other puddytats have become Nicole’s backup ! Nicole has always previously been the one that stood out in PCD. Hell, she’s the only one I can name ! but this is just tooooo obvious. You barely see the others for more than a splitsecond. I wish I could’ve been there when they saw the video for the first time. Do you think the director filmed the other girls too, and just decided to leave them out – or was it planned from the begining?

Either way, they must be PISSED. Meanwhile, Nicole’s probably penning her solo album. Or getting someone else to pen it for her..

Before I forget, someone tell those sneaky iPhone makers to stop touting it so shamelessly. This is the second time I’ve spotted an iPhone in a music video. (Jai Ho at the 0:20 mark and Flo Rida’s “Right Round”)

I picked that book up in a charity shop when I was about 13. I had no idea who Machiavelli was. I didn’t really even register that it was a self-help book. It had a pretty cover, pretty title and pretty good price to boot (the “50p” is still pencilled onto the title page). Insert predictable jokes about “you get what you pay for” and “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” here.

Let me quote some of this book’s blurb:
Harriet Rubin’s philosophy in THE PRINCESSA is simple: settle for nothing less than greatness. THE PRINCESSA is aimed at every woman who feels that she wants and deserves more than she has gained through traditional means of compromise, co-operation, negotiation and nurturing. The theme of the book is how to become powerful without becoming a man. Women do not have to play by society’s rules – which are men’s rules. After reading THE PRINCESSA, both men and women will be asking themselves, “Why fight like Machiavelli when you can fight like Machiavella?”

It’s hard for me to be completely dismissive of a book that I haven’t even finished reading. But it all seems like – dare I say it? – feminist bullcrap. Though Rubin, writing in her “nom de guerre” Machiavella,  is clearly a clever woman, I can’t help but mock the whole “it’s a man’s world” and “you have to be tough to be taken seriously” notion. The idea of some poor gullible woman reading this book and, inspired by Machiavella’s “empowering” words, would then go on to quit her job, her boyfriend, essentially her life! in search of “nothing less than greatness” is depressing.

Still, I have faith. Not everyone is a character from a Renee Zellweger film.